Augmentin

As usual, there is someone in my house on Augmentin.  The volley is usually between Chad and Eden, both whom suffer from chronic sinus infections.  This week it's Eden.  This is one club Remi doesn't complain about her lack of membership in.  She has her dad's sinuses -- infection free.  We don't just rush to Augmentin.  Who would -- it's the absolute worst ever.  Despite its being the work horse antibiotic of my children's generation, it is easily the hardest medicine to get down their throats.  Inserting a rectal suppository covered in thorns would be easier.

We have tried the Omnicef route.  Say hello to a recurring sinus infection ten days after my children have completed their Omnicef cycles.  It tastes good, but its efficacy on stubborn bacterial infections in our house is garbage.  We have tried nasal irrigation.  Netty pots.  We have treated the infections as allergies -- children's Claritin, Allegra.  We have done nothing at all, assuming the infections were viral and non-responsive to medication.  Invariably, we end up knocking on the devil's door and battling demons for ten straight days, twice each day.

Want a guaranteed route to fighting with your spouse?  Ask them to hold down your psychotic child while you try to administer "the-medicine-that-will-make-you-feel-better-sweetie-after-you-stopping-retching-from-trying-to-swallow-it!"

Tell any parent you have a kid on Augmentin and the responses are immediate:  "Ohhhh, man, that stinks."  Or, "my kid hated that crap, good luck with that."  My favorite, however, is the "have you tried this technique?"  Read the angry silent bubble above my head my friend... Yes, of course I've tried that technique.  I dare you, parents of the world, give me a trick that will work getting this horribly thick, chalky tar into my kid's mouth, swallowed and eventually into his/her blood stream.  It begs the question, "how can something that tastes so disgusting be good for you?"  Can it possibly be true, that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger -- even if you lose some of your psyche through the process?

Thanks for the option of flavoring the Augmentin -- you really know how to fool kids.  Pediatricians, FYI, a fish still smells like a fish and bad sushi can practically kill you.

No parent wants a sick kid, but I know lots of parents who briefly tangoed with the idea of letting their kids stay sinus-y just a bit longer to avoid the Augmentin samba.  Starting your kid on Augmentin is like quitting smoking:  there's never a great time to begin.  As a matter of fact, knowing you have to handle 2x Augmentin playdates with your kid for ten days, is enough to actually make you start smoking.  I'd rather get bitten by a black mamba than administer Augmentin.  What's worse, is that you can't hide the foul taste of Augmentin.  No drink camoflogues over it.  No dose followed by a brownie bite chokes off the gag.  I'm at the point where I'm promising Eden a pony if she'll just swallow the white tar already.

Eden thinks Augmentin is the "worstest".  No argument here.  As soon as her pediatrician hands me the script she wants to know, "is it that white icky stuff?"  Instant tears.  Not even promised candy for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack and bedtime can stop the water works.  I felt like crying too from the dread of knowing I now had the Augmentin battle to add to my list of "things to do" each morning and evening for ten days.  That's why I took one for the team, made the sacrifice and left the chore of dose Number One to Todd.

Getting the medicine into Eden this past Monday, Todd accomplished the following:

• One dose completely spit out onto our sisal rug.
• 8 massive gags.
• Second dose partly on Eden's mouth, partly in her hair, up the nose, down her Justin Bieber nightgown and splattered on her right foot.  
• More violent gagging.
• Todd and Eden rosy cheeked and sweating.  Todd from Augmentin stress and Eden from her debut kitchen WWF cage fight with the medicine world's meanest Heavy Weight.
• Todd was pissed and told me he fired himself from the medicine administration job.
• Eden was weepy and in shock from the taste and procedural brutality.
• One more titanic gag for dramatic effect.

Grade for Dose One:  D-.  Not an F, because Todd did manage to get 1/16 cc of her 1.5 tsp dose on to her top lip.  The adult equivalent of ten days on Augmentin might be twice daily barium enemas forced upon us by our smiling children.  I can only imagine my oldest staring down at me as I cowered in a corner, "don't worry little mommy, I promise this will make you all better!"

Photo by:  Mom, Face by:  Augmentin